“God has a plan, stay faithful. God has a plan, stay faithful. God has a plan, stay faithful.”
I said to myself repeatedly as I sit in DeKalb Medical hospital bed. Tears pouring down my face as I think of how incredibly blessed I really am. A person who those would label fragile, enduring all that I have would have let 2017 knock them to the floor, defeated.
I had hit my lowest point of this temporary battle, asking God why? I felt like I was taking a blow from left and right. Stumbling and grabbing on to whatever I could to stay on my feet. Then when I thought life was giving me a break, she comes and knocks me down, hard.
“Ain’t that a muthafuckin bitch?”
Losing my father to prostate cancer was the start of the downhill spiral. My king and lifelong best friend was ripped right out of my life with a blink of an eye. The disease took my father’s life at 55 years old, as he fought the greatest fight. I sat with him on his last days, holding on for my life. I was afraid to leave him, knowing what was soon to come. He couldn’t talk much but his personality and humor never left. One thing I can say I appreciated about him, no matter how frustrated or in pain he might have been in, he didn’t allow that to take away from who he was. He left this earth July 30th with all his children, his wife and several of nieces and nephews by his side, just as he wanted it to be. He’s left this world complete.
That was the start to all hard pills I had handed to me. Two weeks after losing my father, my father in law passed in a terrible accident that pulled my family in the ring with me. My soon to be Husband lost his best friend all the while trying to help me heal from losing one my own. I honestly don’t know how I would have done it without him, but it was hard watching him try to hold it all together. He did his absolute best being the provider, protector and comfort I needed at that time, making me fall in love with him all over again. He did everything without having to be asked and showed complete understanding and patience all while dealing with his own shit.
“He’s a good man Savannah!”
Life goes on like always and we managed to take things day by day. The universe started to seem like it wanted to cut us a bit of slack. Emotionally, I was still a damn wreck, just looking at my father’s picture or reminiscing broke me down. I started feeling physically frail and drained, more than usual. I would sleep whenever I can and lost interest in everything. In my mind, I thought I was going through a moment of depression and this too shall pass. Unfortunately, things weren’t getting any better and I started experiencing pain and major selling in my left leg and foot. It was like someone stabbed me in my leg repeatedly, it was unbearable I could barely walk.
I can’t take anymore God PLEASE!” I yelled from my bedroom floor in frustration and excruciating pain.
We went to the hospital and I was diagnosed with DVT or in other words Deep Vein Thrombosis. All we could think at this point is God has something up his sleeve, all this can’t be for nothing, and we refused to believe that. I believe that faith and trusting process and what He has in store kept us together even as we struggled with our own personal battles. I got better and I continue getting better as the day passed. I learned how to be Self-ish, no not selfish, SELF-ISH!
Putting me first doesn’t mean I don’t put my husband and daughter’s need in consideration. It’s ok to put myself first when it comes to my well-being, its okay to not have the world on my shoulders and to share the load, and it’s OK to let the tears and the screams OUT, cleansing my spirit and my soul of all the poison I carried all my life, past and present.
It’s ok to be self-ish; you deserve to be the best version of you.
One thing I know for sure, I was not created to be defeated. God left that trait out when he made me. He created a warrior out of this woman and showed me what faith is all about. He told me “Know how important you are and take care of yourself too!” life will bring you to your knees more than you know, but know God’s plan is much bigger than you struggles, just hold on a little longer.