I’ve sat still for so long AFRAID of stepping out of my comfort zone. The fear of not trying the things i want because of what i believed would happen. “There is no way i am doing that. It will never work and besides people will look at me crazy.” Keeping myself locked up in this box of how i think others would accept me. Afraid to try something different because I may FAIL. Afraid of failure and wanting validation is what it all came down to.

Perfect example: I have been following my Mentor Mia Ray for about three years on social media. I always admired her drive, confidence, and ability to go for what she wants no matter the outcome. Just sat back and watched as I sat still and did nothing to better myself. Thinking it was impossible for me to succeed at anything I put my mind to.

Back then,  I never understood why I was this way. Growing up as a adolescences , I lacked encouragement, ambition and motivation. I rarely tried to the best of my ability and did the bare minimum. Always doing the “shortcut” version completing homework and projects because going into it, my expectations were LOW. I will say the people around me could have done a better job providing with the tools to believe in myself more. I never had a problem voicing who to blame for along time and STILL using that as a excuse as to why I felt stuck where I was as I grew into adulthood.

It’s much easier to blame others for why we are where we are in our lives. Our parents, our workplace, our peers, you name it, we blame it. For whatever reason, we will hold on to all the wrong that was done to us. The ultimate every day battle I have is with MYSELF and letting go of the hurt others did to me . My self confidence and worth was damaged. I want to be who God is bringing me into BUT those old ways tend to show its ugly face. I couldn’t let go of what “everybody” else did and ignored what I could do to change my situation.

The battle became harder when I DECIDED I no long wanted to continue to blame others for where my life was and make the changes necessary to start living life abundantly. I knew it wouldn’t be a easy process being a creature of habit but I was FINALLY ready to try.

I was finally ready to live a happy life.

The more I seeked God and the relationship I DESPERATELY always wanted with him, the more the enemy tried to knock me down. I didn’t stop getting back up and continuing to go to HIM . The more I connected with and became the better version of myself, the worst version tried its hardest to overcome, I didn’t stop pushing and fighting to be my best self. I made the decision to never give up on myself and battle who I once was with who I’m destined to be.

I finally didn’t need validation from anyone but God and myself.

I finally know now that no matter how impossible things may seem, I can do whatever i put my mind to. I may not always succeed but as long as i believe in MYSELF, i will never give up on myself! I am no longer AFRAID and that is what I call true FREEDOM!

 

 

I remember this day this photo captured like it was yesterday.  Yes,  this was my love bug’s first birthday party. But this day reflected an equally great achievement 

DAD AND I HAVE SURVIVED YEAR ONE! 

We had made it through with her being a happy,  healthy baby girl with all her parts still intact 😂 Looking at this photo,  you probably wouldn’t have known I was BARELY holding it all together. 

I was literally late to my child’s birthday with having to get last minute things my LATE sister was expected to bring. She did but I was a panicing nut case running around trying to do EVERYTHING. 

I was still putting up decorations while dad was trying to operate a grill he had NO idea how to get started. My sister finally made it with the stuff we needed (we had duplicate decorations; all of it was returned the next day 😒) and jumped right in to help. People started showing up and I was a COMPLETELY mess inside and out.  I needed to shower and my hair was as wild as ever.

Luckly,  God Mom made it with the cake and cupcakes moments after and I was able to whosa for 10 whole minutes!  Even in our small cozy 2 bedroom apartment, we had a ball of a birthday. Everyone came and showed our Journi some love and made me forget about all the reality that we faced after they were gone. 
We made it through but boy it was a struggle for the both of us.  We were blessed with a happy girl but we were having trouble keeping things together at times like any parent with a newborn.  

somedays we didn’t know our left’s from our right and wouldn’t see eye to eye about decisions

Somedays were better than the next and it put a lot of tension between us. With him already having a child,  he felt he knew more than me when it came to certain things.  “I basically helped RAISE my nieces and nephew,  Manny I know what I am talking about. ” NEITHER of us had a real clue how parenting 24/7 really was. 

Just the night before her party,  we had a disagreement that left us not talking the rest of the night… But we had to swallow our prides,  let it go and smile through for the sake of our daughter. 

At the end of the night,  babygirl was bathed and put to bed.  After cleaning  up the day’s fun,  we sit.  And something strange happened that I will NEVER forget. We just LAUGHED. We laughed for a good 2 minutes. The crazy party was we said nothing we just… Laughted.

After talking,  we realized how petty and small our fight was. We were to blessed and we let a stupid disagreement divide us. Look at how blessed we were and what we have made it through.

We went through some of the worst times and have been dragged through the mud by people who just wanted to “help” us get on our feet. Every single time,  God pulled is through and blessed us two times over. We worked hard and remained humble even as the blessing flowed. That was the we vowed to NEVER allow that to happen again. 
Yeah,  we fall short but we have learned to check ourselves and when we are wrong to correct ourselves. We were damn good parents we just needed to be confident in that. Once we became confident,  we began to flourish. 

Mommyhood is not a easy job.  You are STILL very emotional and scattered sometime after (lasted a year and a half AFTER I had Journi), you still have doubts if you are doing things right,  you have sleepless night watching your baby and continuously checking of they are breathing 🙄, you have moments where eyou feel like a failure and just need to cry it out. 

You have these hard times but you also have those wonderful moments.

You get to watch you child grown right before your eyes, you are there for all their milestones, you see there smile and hear their laughter, all the sweet hugs and kissed they are  so generous to give especially when you feel like you aren’t  doing your best.  She always makes me feel like the best mother alive. 

Motherhood is full of pure beauty and full of memories I’m blessed to look back on

There are good time,  worst times,  and better times. I wouldn’t choose my life to have gone any other way. Seeing jer smile is a blessing in itself. And knowing what I know now,  anything we face we will prevail,  I know that for a fact.